Sometimes I feel as if I’ve been left alone. I know that ultimately, I serve the God who has not left me alone.
And yet, it feels that way. The last few days have probably been some of the loneliest I’ve had in a while. I’ve been fairly stressed with trying to get everything in order before I start seminary in the fall. I’ve been judged unfairly by people from church folks as well as family members. I miss both of my best friends a lot. I need a better job that will actually get my bills paid.
I am very tired of sleeping alone.
Let me say that again…because some people just heard me say that I am tired of not having sex…which is most decidedly NOT what I just said.
I am very tired of sleeping alone. I’m single…lots of single people trying to honor God with their sexuality are very tired of sleeping alone. There’s a measure of security in waking up and seeing someone next to you…like they won’t leave you alone.
Now, I hear the answer coming… Your security needs to come from Christ, not from someone sleeping beside you.
Really now? What is the statement by God that it isn’t good for man to be alone if not truthful? Did he not make that statement before sin even entered the world? Desiring someone with which to live life and to sleep beside is the way that God wired human beings.
So lets take that design by God and introduce sin. So I have the very natural pain along with sinful desire. This brings about a great deal of hopelessness in my condition. I have no idea what God has planned for my life. It may or may not involve my ever feeling safe alongside someone I love. I may or may not ever feel toward a woman the way I currently feel toward men. I may or may not ever get married. A life of perhaps seventy or eighty years with little hope of ever not being alone?
One way I don’t feel alone is hugs. Several of my straight Christian brothers have, in recent months, criticized my hanging out with other gay guys, Christian and non. But where am I going to get a hug from any straight friends? Do I always have to ask? I don’t have to ask my gay friends for a reassuring hug.
Here’s the other problem: now that I’ve announced this, two things may happen. First, any affection I’m shown from a straight guy will seem to me to be contrived. Second, in a month, all of this will be forgotten and any efforts on anyone’s part to help will cease.
I basically have a lonely life ahead of me. Right now, I’m well-connected. I’m about as far removed from socially awkward status as anyone can be. I always have friends to hang out with. When I’m at church or even visiting a new one, I have no trouble talking to any number of people. I’m 28.
What happens when I turn 35? 40? 50? It’s already getting tough to have friends my age that aren’t insanely busy with their own kids, except for the ones who, like me, are gay and celibate.
All of this to say…and as non-dramatically as possible…who will hold my hand when I die? Friends only go so far.
And so…I feel alone. Very alone.